How to Prevent an Unnecessary Divorce (Part 2)

Once abuse/dysfunctional issues have been identified, clarified and understood, with a  professional's guidance, a couple needs to then look at preventative measures to keep the marriage healthy by managing dysfunctional triggers.

The first preventative measure is undoubtedly the continued responsibility of each partner to be healthy, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  Each partner must continually assess what it takes to be optimally healthy.  It is not the responsibility of the other partner to do this.  It is the responsibility of each partner to encourage and assist optimal health out of love and concern.

Bringing unresolved family of origin issues into the marriage, unconsciously hoping the marriage will either dissolve or distract one from these painful memories is a sure way to unnecessary divorces.  Counselling can target these issues and successfully navigate through them, without making the marriage the "scapegoat" for past issues.  A common family of origin dysfunction which ruins intimate relationship is co-dependency.  Partners need to be educated and given tools for recovery through counselling for this serious dysfunction.  Low self-esteem is at the core of this dysfunction and other consequences of low self-esteem in one or both partners, which also stems from our family of origins will create unnecessary divorces.

It is only with the management of stress that one can achieve the above needed self-discipline.  This is the problem with so many people looking for answers.  They refuse to manage their own stresses first, and insist on having the other partner do their work.  Rarely is it the fault of one person.  We all fall prey to stress, no matter how evolved one is and we all must continually honestly confront and manage the stresses.

An unnecessary divorce may be the result of not keeping emotional intimacy to yourselves.  Only share intimate details of your relationship with a mutually agreed upon professional.  This is crucial because once the partners share their intimacies with friends and families, the intimacy is never the same – it has been eroded.  The beauty of intimate relationships is that some things are only shared with the two of you.

Seeking out a qualified professional whom you both can bond with is essential and this regular maintenance, just like using a medical professional, is  one of the wisest tools to use to prevent unnecessary divorce.  A skilled professional continually challenges both partners to look for their accountability instead of falling into the bad habits we have as humans to blame, judge, control, adjudicate, therapize and project.   A sure and unnecessary path to divorce is to consistently demean your intimate partner in any way.  Adult intimate relationships are all about creating and maintaining a deep emotional safety that the couple sanctifies as their unique own.  When we feel emotionally safe, the best parts of us rise to the surface.

Sounds too good to be true?  Probably what is true is the inability and or unwillingness of many people to accept accountability, practice humility, kindness, forgiveness and stress management.

Bring your spiritual/religious teachings to life in your relationships.  I realize many people are cynical and/or nonbelievers.  But for those who are involved in an extended spiritual/religious community, far fewer fall prey to unnecessary divorces. This is not because they are afraid of heavenly punishment.  They are constantly being challenged, reminded and supported in upholding the essential virtues of kindness, forgiveness, tenderness, honesty, humility, assertiveness, boundary setting, tolerance and commitment- virtues essential for preventing divorce.

Setting realistic expectations is key in preventing unnecessary divorce.  All long-term relationships will have their challenges.  Both partners must be realistic in evaluating the logic and usefulness of their expectations for each other and the marriage to counter unnecessary stress which will escalate into unnecessary conflict.  Evaluate your current expectations. See if they are outdated or borrowed from your family of origin, or others, and if they fit with the uniqueness of the partner.

Both partners must  also have the ability, which comes with good self-esteem, to successfully grieve the youth of their relationship, making room for the deeper  and more complex seasons of the changing relationship. Many unnecessary divorces are the result of one or both partners not being able to accept their aging and mortality.  Instead, they choose affairs or other adult adolescent behaviours to quiet their inner panic over this ultimate loss of control.

A Last Word: